Dear Chief Secretary to the Treasury,
I'm afraid to tell you there's no money left.
Signed, Liam Byrne

(Outgoing Labour Chief Secretary to the Treasury. May 2010)

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Gordon's Guide to Gratuitous Living.

Mr Brown really wanted to appear on Match of the Day 2 sofa because
He is a passionate football fan
Oh really? We'd been told something about rugby before, but, ah, yes, passionate about football because
[he] once sold programmes outside ... Raith Rovers so he could get in for free.
He was that passionate, so very passionate, that he didn't want to contribute to running the club by buying a ticket - but on that one occasion he must have sold at least one or two programmes, otherwise it wouldn't be true.

Maybe the youthful Gordon forgot about that idea when he put together the booklet "Alternative Edinburgh", in which he advised other 1970s university students how to live off the fat of the land.

Here is, maybe the pièce de résistance
"Counter-information is the key to success," ...
Have we seen this in practice recently?

How about  a real scam
... a student could try ... ordering the latest model of an in-demand car "reserving the right to cancel" and selling it on for £100 profit while awaiting delivery.
When caught by police attempting to con someone, the booklet advises, "You may think you are guilty but legal advice can show otherwise."
Makes Mrs R wonder who's really been offering advice to those who appeared in court today, and who say they are not crooks.

Here are a a few more hints and tips. It seems that some old habits die hard ...
For a free meal: "Con your way to asking for a glass of water or sit beside drinkers and they will feed you for nothing."
and this which is sure to bring back memories of Lisbon.
on gatecrashing receptions - "enter via the side door"
Let's see if any of Gordon's other scams schemes are still possible in New Labour's Britain - the Britain he has helped create.
1. Dustbins can furnish your flat. We found everything from a fireside chair to a TV.
Imagine leaving an old chair near a wheely bin and escaping a fine fixed penalty notice
2. To get a free bath in a hotel, act as if you have full rights to be there. When reception is busy walk quickly upstairs - there is often a bathroom for everyone.
It isn't worth explaining how wrong this would be 'these days'.
3. Your best chances of crashing a party are with a carry-out (booze from an off-licence). A bag of empty cans with bricks to weigh it down often works.
Fail - on both counts.

Off-licenses? Tesco is in charge of off-sales these days, and as a student they won't let you buy - because you appear to be, and are, under 25 years of age, even though the legal age for buying alcohol is 18.

Try walking along the street with a brick in your hand - count the paces before ... oh, just imagine ...
4. Bakers will give stale bread and cakes. Greengrocers will give free veg for your "rabbit".
Bakers and greengrocers - mostly gone, and supermarkets aren't allowed to give away old food because H&S and other regulatory bodies say so.
5. Look for biscuit factories listed in Yellow Pages. They are a good bet for snacks.
Biscuit factories? In Britain?
6. Breweries are even better. Give a week's notice and you can arrange a full day of tramping around a city's breweries.
That would be fun. How many breweries have closed down in the last 13 years?
7. If you're near an airport, leftover plane meals could be outside the catering building.
Try to get near a catering building at an airport without anybody noticing and ... you're a terrorist.
8. Dress like staff and you can eat in staff canteens at big firms.
Dress like staff and don't have the ID ... you're sure to be a terrorist.
9. Free money is available from Social Security. The so-called welfare state can and must be used to its full extent.
Students are not allowed to claim unemployment benefit. Students in England are forced to take out loans to pay for their tuition and accommodation.

But, some adults still seem to think the "welfare state" is run on thin air. Can't imagine who that might be.
10. Don't get a factory job. There are early starts and the work is monotonous.
Yay! A success - problem Solved

Factories closed, steelworks closed - no more boring, monotonous, jobs for the workers, no more getting up early. It's a success story, why didn't we realise it at the time?


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